Castle Town Shorts
by Twilight Scribe
Summary: When Princess Zelda's new pet project sends Link on a trip down memory lane, she finds the results are neither pleasant nor useful. A series of oneshots centering on life in Castle Town.
1. Prologue: Off Down Memory Lane

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: The Postman in Twilight Princess terrifies me. The idea that he might be following me across the land is nightmare-worthy. In real life, hearing "Waaaaait!" makes me want to run as fast as I can because my instincts tell me some strange man in short shorts is about to try and give me something useless. Anyway, that just needed to be said. Now, enjoy.

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**Prologue: Off Down Memory Lane**

Link regarded the letter and pamphlet in his hand as if the documents carried a pox. In a way, they did. Because of those messages, the Postman had been hounding him for days; simply trying to do his job and deliver them, yes, but also running the poor hero ragged.

There had been no peace, no rest, as the cry of "Waaaaaait!" followed him across Hyrule Field. Link would not wait, so the Postman all but hunted him in order to fulfill his duty. Eventually the dedicated civil servant managed to deliver the parcels by lying in wait atop a bluff and leaping down onto Epona as Link rode past. That was sure surprising.

The letter, bearing the Royal Seal of Hyrule, was a missive from Princess Zelda requesting his service. He was to look over the accompanying pamphlet and give his opinion on it. The pamphlet, Link found, was flyer advertising Castle Town as a travel destination.

According to the rest of her letter, the princess wanted to begin bolstering tourism within her realm and she thought Link the best person to consult on the pamphlet's design, thanks to his familiarity with the city and the fact that he didn't live there.

Link thought she was being very abnormal, and could only imagine that Zelda had made such a decision under the influence of Telma's strongest ale, but took a quick gander at the pamphlet anyway.

It was a simple, trifold sheet of paper printed with a scene of the castle and central plaza. Across the front of the pamphlet ran the long-winded slogan: _'Castle Town: Gentle townsfolk, safe within their walls, protected by brave souls, under the rule of a kind princess.'_

It went on to describe how the "bustling metropolis" was a perfect vacation spot nearby "scenic Lake Hylia," but Link couldn't keep his attention focused long enough to read it. Instead he jotted a short message on the back of the princess' stationary about a necessary addition and the need for honesty, then handed it back to the Postman, cynical memories of his experiences in the city overwhelming him even as the letter left his hand.

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AN: Next chapter... A fashionable, horrible, experience for our poor hero!

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	2. Gentle Townsfolk

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: Link's memory here... It's something that would stick with you for sure.

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**Gentle Townsfolk**

Ungrateful, snooty, self-absorbed, and generally rude. That's how Link had always seen city-dwellers, and when he finally got to the big city his prejudices were proven to be totally, completely, one hundred percent accurate.

The "civilized" people of Castle Town had a peculiar way of thinking. It likely seemed logical to them to treat the large, silent, foreign man with a gigantic sword like dirt, but Link couldn't see the sense in it. Sure he was an outsider, sure he wasn't filthy stinking rich, and sure he looked a little rough after all that traveling he'd been doing, but he wasn't a barbarian!

He owned his own home, had an honest job, and was a model citizen in Ordon Village. Not to mention he was, oh, risking his life each and every day to save the world from darkness and destruction. Was it too much to ask for a little respect? A shred of decency?

In Link's reckoning he didn't deserve to be looked down on, treated like a thick-skulled bumpkin, or distrusted like a common thief. He didn't need to be called "farm boy" or be otherwise reminded that he was not one of the city-born townsfolk.

Most of all, Link didn't need some random merchant posing as a noble, an adult man dressed in pink and purple harlequin-checked satin robes and a tall powder-blue hat, to try and give him fashion advice. It was bad advice too. Link's garb wasn't out of style, it was heroic! And Link didn't care what that guy said...

His tights did not make him look effeminate.

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AN: I happen to like Link's style. Only heroes can make tights look good. (Hee, tights...)

_Edit: Yes, I know Link wears pants in Twilight Princess. However, he wears tights (or just his tunic, showing bare leg! Oh my!) in practially all the other games, so I decided to let it slide for the sake of this joke. Fire Emblem MewMew gets a cookie for being the first with the presence of mind to point it out though. (Good eye!) _

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	3. Safe Within Their Walls

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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**Safe Within Their Walls**

This is what they call security? This is their vigilant night watch?

Link had to work hard to keep from laughing out loud as he slipped through the open East Gate of Castle Town. It was the middle of the night, the moon riding high in the sky and illuminating the field, revealing just how many monsters were prowling just barely outside the city walls. From his spot standing within East Gate, Link could count almost twenty bokoblins, bulbins, and wolfos skeletons stalking about.

And the gate was open, standing invitingly ajar for any ner'do'well to just waltz right in.

The story was the same at all three of the gates into Castle Town. It was dark, it was dangerous, and there were deadly foes swarming not thirty yards from the city walls. Yet the Castle Guard saw fit to not only neglect to lock the door, but to skip closing them all together! Link could feel his confidence in city life dwindling by the second.

But despite his negativity (doors were made for a reason, and that reason was to be closed!) Link had to admit, the lax security had its perks. Never, in all time he'd been traveling, had he ever had to worry about getting to town before sundown or curfew. He had never been trapped inside the walls, nor had he ever been stuck outside when he wanted to get in. Regardless of whether he happened to be wolf or man, Link could always make his way where he needed to go and get fairly unfettered access to the supplies and lodgings he required.

It was nice to be so free, but it nagged at Link that the townsfolk were placing their trust in these incompetent sentries. Did they have any idea, as they slept comfortably in their beds, just how utterly useless the men guarding them were?

The thought occurred to Link as he passed under the great stone arch of East Gate and heard the sound of saw-like snoring drifting down from the top of the wall. The guard was asleep. Wonderful.

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AN: Those gates are always open. What's the point of even having them?

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	4. Protected By Brave Souls

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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**Protected By Brave Souls**

Running through the back streets of Castle Town, his claws clicking over the uniform cobblestones, Link finally realized something about the Castle Guard.

They weren't useless and pathetic- Well, yeah, they were, but it was because they were rookies. When Zant's forces invaded, all the warriors of merit, the veteran soldiers, died. Leaving in their place only... These guys. Link had to give them some credit though; as scary as his wolf-form was, the guards never ran away. They would tremble and nearly wet themselves as they poked their spears at him, but they always stood their ground.

Sometimes the even got up the nerve (and numbers) to chase him en masse, as they were doing at the moment. The guards weren't completely inept, just cowardly and inexperienced. Still, the memory of the time in Thelma's bar, of those supposedly fearless and stalwart protectors of the realm fleeing in terror at the mere mention of danger, wasn't all that inspiring. Neither was their complete and total inability to slay one practically tame wolf, though Link couldn't really complain about that.

He could only imagine what might happen if a real monster ever found its way into the city... It was bound to happen some day, and when it did Link hoped he would be there to save these poor saps from themselves. After all, someone had to protect the city. If not him, then who else? Certainly not the Castle Guard...

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AN: I actually like the guards. Well, I like showing up in wolf-form and scaring them almost to death. That's good, clean fun. Seriously though, I'm sure that among the guards Princess Zelda had in her service before Zant invaded, there must have been a few skilled warriors. Brave ones that would have taken their spear and spitted Link's wolf form without a moment's hestiation. (Now, is that a good thing or a bad?)

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	5. Under the Rule of a Kind Princess

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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**Under the Rule of a Kind Princess**

Standing up on the deck of the observation platform looking out over the main square of Castle Town, Link could clearly see the huge octagonal shield of twilit energy that enveloped Hyrule Castle. It pulsed and glowed slowly, providing an ominous background for the bustle of daily life that continued at ground level.

For the longest time he had wondered how the citizenry of Castle Town could act so normally while enemy magic kept their Princess imprisoned in her own keep. Often, when he had a break in his errands, Link would go sit by the fountain in the town square and gaze up at the castle while sipping a Red Chu Jelly, trying to understand why the people around him weren't running in terror like headless Cuccos. It would always earn him weird looks, disapproving stares, and occasionally a "hey, what're you lookin' at, mister?" from one of the scampering children let loose in the city; even as birds flew into the barrier and were zapped with crackling dark energy, highly visible proof that the shield was there.

Faced with the evidence, Link couldn't help but admit that his Goron friend might be on to something. Perhaps the townsfolk weren't all drooling morons like he'd thought. Maybe they were genuinely unaware that anything was wrong, not because they were too self-absorbed to look up from their daily routines, but because even if they did look up, there was nothing to see. It might not be their fault!

That thought was depressing to Link. He rather liked thinking of Castle Town's citizens as a bunch of idiots.

Even more depressing was the thought that none of the people hustling through the square knew about Zelda, about her sacrifice. Aside from him and Midna, there wasn't a single soul in the entire kingdom who knew she was, for all intents and purposes, dead... That her essence now existed only in the Twili demoness living in Link's shadow.

No, that couldn't be right. So what if they couldn't actually see the shield, the guards knew about it. They had mentioned not being able to get into the castle the last time Link talked to them. Didn't that bother them? Even a little? And the people, how could they just forget that Hyrule was invaded? It was only a few weeks ago when the Castle Guard was massacred and the entire province thrown into twilight!

He was a fool to ever doubt himself. The people were cut off from their leader, constantly terrorized by monsters, hounded by the forces of Twilight, and did nothing about it. They may not have been able to see the energy keeping Hyrule Castle from reach, but they were still morons.

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AN: She's dead... Zelda is, for all intents and purposes, dead and no one but Link and Midna know. Not even her subjects who, as far as I know, loved her. Am I the only one who thinks that's a little tragic and undeserved? In other news, I sort of like the image of birds flying into the energy shield around the castle...

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	6. Epilogue?: Ivory Tower

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: This isn't actually the epilogue, but it's close. There's still a chapter left, but for the sake of coherency, I put the epilogue here.

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**Epilogue: Ivory Tower**

The mood in the Princess' throne room was one of confusion and puzzlement. This letter Link had sent her in reply was... Strange.

It seemed that the swordsman agreed with her advisors that the pamphlet was well-designed, but he also urged her to be more truthful in her pitch. No matter how many times she read and reread the message, Zelda found she could not for the life of her understand what he meant.

_'Castle Town: Gentle townsfolk, safe within their walls, protected by brave souls, under the rule of a kind princess.'_

It was true! All of it was true. The townsfolk were, for the most part, unfailingly polite. The guards and soldiers, when acting as a cohesive unit, were fearless, ready to lay down their lives in her service. The city walls had never fallen while there were still men to defend them. Could it be her...? Was she not a kind princess? No, or course not. That couldn't be it. It had to be something else she just couldn't see.

His intentions completely eluded her. And what did he mean with this strange, cryptic scrawl of "With puppies!"? There was a tiny smiling face drawn beside the line, but no other clues as to what it meant.

"With puppies!"? How bizarre...

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AN: Poor Zelda. Out of touch with her kingdom? Maybe. She has a rosier outlook than Link, to be sure. Next chapter, Link's fondest memory.

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	7. With Puppies!

Disclaimer: Not mine.

AN: Ah, now for my favorite chapter, and also Link's favorite memory.

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**With Puppies!**

Adorable, cute, fuzzy, and so utterly happy... The puppy ran down the cobblestone street to retrieve its bone yet again.

Link absolutely loved the little guys. Along with the natural human attraction to baby animals (something even the most hardened warriors possess) he felt a certain sort of kinship with the little canines thanks to his time as a wolf. That's why, every single time he was in town, from the time he finished his errands to sunset, Link could be found playing fetch with the puppies.

That's also why he was their "very favorite person in the whole city!" They told him that all the time when he was in wolf form. You might think wolves are incapable of smiling or giving hugs, but Link found a way. The stray puppies of the city were some of the nicest beings he had ever had the honor to meet.

When compared to the cowardly guards and the slimy con artists that abounded in Castle Town (that guy collecting rupees by the West Gate wasn't really with the church...) was it any wonder that Link liked the town's animal population better than the humans? Puppies were kinder, more honest, more personable, and generally more pleasant than any member of Hylian society's upper crust.

And besides, could you play fetch with a noble? Could you get them to roll over and bark on cue? Not a chance! ... Well, maybe for the right amount of rupees...

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AN: Puppies, the real draw to any city. And with this, we're done. Hope you enjoyed the story(-ies)!

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End file.
